It occurs to me that one of the problems dispelling the "they will and want to teach homoSEXuality to your kids", in school or in mysterious gay recruitment centers, is to actually spell out what gays think parents should tell their kids about 'the ghey'.
Here's my 2-cents (I'm sure there are people more qualified than I). And, face it, parenting doesn't come with a manual so the need is ever present.
1. Don't try to execute a parental duty by asking your kids if they are gay, but create an accepting environment for them to tell you.
Kids listen. They watch. If you make nasty cracks about gay people on TV, disparage "those queers in Provincetown or San Francisco or Fire Island" or wherever, or laugh or chuckle when someone makes a comment about two girls in love or two guys holding hands, you are making a hostile environment for your kid, who may one day need to tell you something.
Some might say it is best to ask your kid, if you suspect. A young kid who is unsure, might feel compelled to lie to a question about it. Now he/she is 'locked in a lie', on top of everything else.
Some might say it's enough to just tell your kids, "It's okay, if you have something to tell me, it's okay if you are gay". But I'd argue that is not enough. On top of the fact that even most nongay kids, but not all, have trouble talking to their parents about their sexual feelings, kids may well look, on average, to regular behavior patterns and other modes of defining and finding a true 'safe space' than accept an off-hand verbal assurance. Actions speak louder than words.
So, the general thought is to do and say what you can indirectly, treat all your kids the same, and let your gay kid come to you with the information, on average.
Notice, if you want, based on your religious precepts or whatever, you can still teach your kids not to be promiscuous or "sexually adventurous", if that is your belief. Tell kids that "gay" is really reserved for people who 'truly, deep down, feel that way', but not for everyone. It's really that simple. The kids will get it.
2. Don't lie to your kids or set up a double standard
If you deliberately impose an information blackout on kids about grownups who are gay or a disinformation regime, then you've broken the scared parenting trust, and it will backfire, if ever the child comes to find the truth.
I also think it is a problem if parents set up a double-standard for their kids, in terms of the truth. If they send a signal or a message that "we love you because you're not like those other gays", that's a mistake. Same if the message is "God doesn't love gay kids, but we love you because you are our son/daughter, nonetheless". That dichotomy is a grave breakdown in authority. It's so much at odds with itself, that the core negativity of it could be internalized.
I'm sure this list could go on. Every parent-child relationship is unique, on top of it.
Still, this is a far cry from "teaching homoSEXuality"; it can be put into a soundbite; and it sidesteps wild cries about "teachable moments" and "promoting [sex] or homosex". What do "we" want parents to teach kids?: don't lie and do actively create an environment in which your gay kid can come to you.
This story, covered by Dan Savage, caught my eye. It's possible that Dan underestimates what I'll call 'best-little-boy-in-the-world-syndrome', after a similar title, or even something more fundamental. Some kids really do live for and seek the approval of adults, of parental figures. That can last well into later years. Paradoxically, perhaps, the "feeling" for a "connection" with a parent often continues even if that parent was physically abusive (!).
So, if someone's cherished relationship with their grandmother was perceived to be 'at risk', and that person has a perceived position of influence with others so that there is a political, intrafamily aspect to "disappointing" or "challenging" a key individual, one could imagine all types of associated behaviors, perhaps even including suicide (there might be all kinds of signs of 'acting out' or other 'cries for help').
However you come to judge all these ruminations, things are changing. But, I'm still struck every time I read a story about those who never told their parents until very late, and parents who replied, "We always suspected, but can't understand why you didn't tell us." Until one truly understands the psychology in a sympathetic way to both sides of that equation, it's hard to answer, 'what should parents tell their gay kids?'...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
What should parents tell their kids or their gay kids?
